I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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