it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
