Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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