plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
