So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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