Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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