My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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