I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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