someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
