I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
