theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize
