i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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