Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Randomize
