remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Randomize
