Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
