So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
