I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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