just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
