there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Randomize
