I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
