And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
