Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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