K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Ketchup is God's man juice
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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