yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
