Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
