do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
