Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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