No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I need a burrito and a hug.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Randomize
