Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
