I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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