nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
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