so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
and she was petting her beer can
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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