i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just threw up on my dentist
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
