so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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