She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
