it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
