Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
