Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
