im having a threesome with these popsicles
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
