I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
