Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
