I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Randomize
