piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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