Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
