trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
