Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
