WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
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