She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
