Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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