He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
