Soap is not a condiment
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
