The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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